mod’s life

People have commented in the past that I’m really good at the piano. And I’ve always tried to protest that I’m not really that good. It’s not false modesty at all. I will acknowledge that, after ten years of formal instruction, I do have some musical skill. I do know how to play the piano, and I can read music somewhat well. By casual measurements, yes I can play piano better than the average person. Well, given that the “average” person probably cannot play the piano at all, that is trivially true. But I will accept that I am fairly talented and can play a tune with a moderate amount of skill.

My classification of “very good”, however, is beyond what I consider myself. I took ten years of lessons, but I did not have a super prestigious instructor. I have one friend from junior high who had an extremely respected instructor, and now he plays at a professional level. I consider myself to be an amateur/casual pianist; I have never played in an orchestra or given any other performance outside of private recitals held by my own instructor for her students. Even then, I was not a flawless performer. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes. Yes every musician makes mistakes, but my technical ability is such that I actually am not physically able to play some of the songs that I enjoy (notably Chopin) perfectly given as many tries as I want. Were I to ever give a performance, I feel that I would only embarrass myself.

But even if I were to disregard “professional” musicians, even if I were to compare myself to people of comparable musical education, I feel that my skill is still average at best, possibly lower than average. I grew up in a high school that was 40% Asian. That means every other classmate could play the piano or violin or both. Those that could play both were obviously more musically talented than me. Those that could only play the violin I believe are still more musically inclined, because violin is indisputably the more difficult instrument. (For those of you who have no musical background, without going into too much detail, piano is the easier instrument to play because it is composed of discrete keys, being far more forgiving for finger positioning error. Violin is composed of continuous strings, giving almost no room for finger positioning error.)

Compared to my fellow only-piano players, I feel that my skill is not much to write home about. I was not the greatest piano student. I wasn’t the worst either; I did dutifully practice an hour a day (even if it was forced by my mother), up until high school when the homework load started interfering with the amount of time I could practice. Perhaps the only reason people still think I’m good at the piano is because I continue to practice in the present. Fortunately, I’ve grown to appreciate and even enjoy playing the piano, so practicing is no longer a chore for me. In that sense, my skill may be greater than my peers who had comparable education to me, simply because I’ve kept it up.

As an attempt to place an objective measurement of my piano skill, I will say that I did pass the Advanced Level Certificate of Merit exam. I think a lot of my peers did as well, though I’m not positive. I have to say though, I think I was very fortunate to have passed. My performance portion of the exam was less than stellar. I played a Bach piece for the Baroque era, a Mozart Sonata for the Classical, a Chopin etude for the Romantic, and Debussy’s Arabesque for the Impressionist. If I recall correctly, I did fairly well on three of them. Chopin, however was a different story. I distinctly remember making multiple mistakes as I was playing. And it wasn’t just an unlucky performance either; I had trouble with that song all through my practices up until the exam, so it was no surprise that I wasn’t entirely ready for it. Surprisingly, despite my examiner’s comment that that was one of her favorite pieces, she passed me. Sometimes I think about it and wonder if she decided to go easy on me becuase I had mentioned I was a senior in high school, and would be attending college the following year (and thus discontinuing piano). In any case, the point I wanted to make was, despite me passing the Advanced Level CM exam, I cannot claim to play even my exam pieces perfectly, much less pieces I play on the side.

In terms of music theory, I only know enough of the basics to pass the CM exam. As for general musical ability, I have absolutely zero compositional or improvisational skill. I can only read music and play it; I cannot come up with my own material, or even enhance existing material. I cannot even play by ear. I think of playing the piano as having three separate but related entities. There is the written note, what you see on the sheet music. There is the physical key, what you hit on the keyboard. And finally there is the audible note, the sound you hear. For a single note, all three concrete entities are representations for the same abstract entity. The expert pianist/musician can translate between any of the three near instantaneously. I cannot. To me, the written note is almost equivalent to the physical key; when I see sheet music I can translate it to what is supposed to be played fairly quickly. But the equivalence between either of those two and the audible note is not natural to me. If I see a written note, I cannot necessarily tell what it sounds like. Likewise, I do not necessarily know what sound will be produced by a key I am about to strike. This is perhaps the most important reason why I do not consider myself a “great” pianist.

Today I play the piano solely for my own entertainment. I am so self-conscious about my own perception of my skill, and of people’s overestimation of my skill, that I actually feel very nervous when people ask me to play for them. I am also afraid of letting people down, especially when they have heard of an exaggerated reputation of me but not actually heard me play. I suppose I would feel better if it were made known to people that I’m pretty good for a casual pianist, but I feel uncomfortable when it’s suggested that I’m “really good at the piano”.